Bells, Smells and lots of blood: Altars. Exodus 25 - 31.

Altar = From Latin word for 'high', an elevated place where people perform religious ceremonies. I checked it out as God seems to take it pretty seriously in the laws he hands out to Moses and the crew. Amongst all these verses of seemingly weird rituals (I was going to comment on each one but decided to punch myself in the head instead), what struck me the most was the holiness of the altar. In some cases the altar remains holy for 7 days and whoever touches it is instantly made holy too.

So what is holy, and where is our altar? It got me thinking about what we desire most (what we "hold high"), as that's probably our altar. If you get to touch that altar, what do you become?

The commandements they forgot to tell you about. Exodus 19 - 24.

Considered a moral code for Christianity, an ideological base for much of the Jewish law and mirrored in verses from the Qur'an, these 10 commandments have received a lot of attention over the years. At least 5 movies have been made about them, which is just one less than movies made about ancient Mayan paw-paw recipes, so even Hollywood thinks they're important.

But what about the other commandments? Besides the laws governing various ceremonies, Exodus lists a whole whack of other commandments that Rabbinical Jews consider as important as the first 10. Ever read them? I did for the first time yesterday, and picked out some whoppers:

• If someone curses their father or mother, the penalty is death (21 v17). Oops....
• If you hit someone with a rock, and the injured person manages to hobble around for a while, you get to avoid the death penalty (21 v18-19). So hit softly with rocks, OK?
• One ox = five cattle, and one lamb = four sheep. Except when they're worth two (22 v1-5). No wonder I failed at maths.
• If you lend money to poor people, do not gouge them with interest (22 v25). Same goes for collateral - give it back before you're paid (22 v26-27). Money lenders must have missed this verse
• Help your enemies out. If you find their stuff - take it back to them (23 v4-5). So if George had found those WMDs, I guess he would have given them back. Lucky he didn't find anything then.
• Don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk (23 v19). I know, it's a goat, but sheez!

I get that these can't be taken out of historical and cultural context, so I know that I am being facetious and that they are intended to build a fabric for justice and righteousness. But I think I prefer the way Jesus put things: Make sure you get things in order and don't mess up your priorities, and then love others like you love yourself (Matthew 22, v37-40). You can build a life on that.

Middle management, volcanos and getting stoned. Exodus 18 - 20.

I'm finding these chapters quite entertaining: There's practical advice, drama, comedy, and plenty to make you think. So here it is:

Practical advice: Moses father-in-law sees Moses dealing with peoples disputes and questions all day long (teaching them God's laws), and tells him he'll burn out doing it that way. He helps Moses set up competent leadership structures to handle the daily stuff, whilst Moses only handles the serious issues. Marcus Buckingham has it right - successful companies have good middle management and he has the research to prove it.

Drama: It was a dark and stormy night! No, it was a smokey and burning mountain. With darkness. Oh and lightening and thunder. And don't touch it, or you'll die. And anyone who touches the person who touches the mountain, they get stoned (not in a good way). That's the context in which Moses ascends Mount Sinai. Fear and trembling all-round.

Comedy: The way the author of Exodus keeps reminding us that Jethro is Moses' father-in-law. Do we have a short-term memory problem or something? "Moses, I am you faaaaaasha!......in-law". Also an irreligious thought when God tells Moses what will happen with those who touch the ones who touched the mountain. I pictured John Cleese saying "Stone them! That right - kill them! [dramatic music] No, wait...ummm....shoot them with arrows! Yes that's better - shoot them to death!". Like I said, irreligious, but funny.

Contemplative: Those ten commandments. Simple, but complex. Easy, but difficult. Strange, yet familiar. Why those 10? (and the other 603?). Need to think..............

Why do we always complain? Exodus 16,17.

What a lot of K'vetshing! Man those Israelites complained more than, well, people who complain a lot. They were just miraculously saved from some Egyptian head-knocking via chariot, and again they ask why they couldn't have just stayed back in the land of lamb-stew (no really, lamb stew was the deal-breaker). So God sends them manna and they chow down happily. Next thing you know: "Hey Mo, got anything to drink? Why did you drag us out here you sadist?". So God helps Moses again and they get water from a rock. I was reminded of the many people who ask "if God exists, why do babies die/does cancer exist/is life unfair/do good people suffer/is my porridge cold," etc. I reckon if babies stopped dying and our porridge was always warm, we'd just find another reason not to believe in or trust God. It's a tough one, but it seems we come back to making a choice in these matters (one I hope I am never tested on).


One other interesting fact: At a battle against Amalek, they noticed that they were winning when Moses' hands were up, and losing when they were down. Up, winning; Down, losing; Up, winning; Down, losing. And that's how the Mexican wave was invented.

Do we need signs, wonders and rituals? Exodus 13 - 15

Post Foundationalism. Empiricism. Speculative Realism. Ex-nihilo Creationism. These are all philosophical viewpoints I'm pretending to understand in order to write this post. Why? Because Moses had no idea about any of them: He simply ascribed the Israelite escape from Egypt as the work of God. (Oh, a quick summary: God prescribes the traditions that are now the Passover; The Israelites are given directions by a 'God-GPS" a.k.a pillar of fire/smoke; Pharaoh has another mood swing and chases them down; The Israelites panic......again; God parts the Red Sea letting the Israelites across and, well, drowning the Egyptians; The Israelites regain their faith and sing a happy song involving reverence and roasting). It makes me realise how unfortunate it is that we are always waiting for signs and wonders in order to believe. A recent article I read makes a good point: Where we are 100% certain we have no need for faith.

Some other quickies:

• I'm getting a tattoo. Well maybe, but more importantly I'm wondering why the modern church is so ritual-averse. God makes it clear that he wants his people to remember who saved them by making a means that's "a sign on your hands or a symbol on your forehead" (Chapter 13) i.e. so that you can't blooming-well miss it! And we get scared of custom....
• Rabi Ken Spiro makes a case for miracles being natural acts with incredibly good (God) timing. Check out the pillar of smoke and the parting of the red sea (after an evening of incredible wind - not from Moses' oratory this time).
• I forgot that the authorship of Exodus is ascribed to Moses, and he's explaining everything in a theological way. So when I read "God made the [Egyptian] chariot wheels get stuck in the mud", I thought that maybe I have been making too big-a-deal about God making Pharaoh stubborn. That's just Moses' mental filter.
• Say this with a New York Jewish accent: "Hey Moses! What, the cemeteries in Egypt ain't big enough for us so you thought you'd bring us out here to die? Shmendrik!". Now read Chapter 14: 10-12.

Macdonalds lamb burgers and what not to wear: Exodus 11 - 13.

Yo Pharaoh - smell you later! Moses' posse finally gets to leave the land in which they thrived for many years and head off into the wilderness. That makes Moses, despite his stutter, an outstanding salesman, although I think having a staff that turns into a snake and watching the promise of Egyptians dying wholesale overnight would have convinced most people to sign on the dotted line and press hard please. Even some Egyptians went with them! (*mental note: get some scary presentations of exploding computers to sell new data backup service*). Mixed up in this time frame we also have the significant act of the God not killing the Israelites based on them following his instructions of painting lamb's blood on their doors: The Passover.

A couple of things spring to mind:

• What did Moses wear? No really, not like "man those sandals clash with that belt" but rather that he was Pharaoh's grandson and an Israelite, so I wonder how he presented himself in Pharaoh's court. Did he get changed to address the Israelites? How do we present ourselves every day or is this just a contrived thought?
• Since God killed the firstborn of everything Egyptian including animals, I think it would have been a bad time to be an Egyptian Goose.
• It's interesting that the families could share the sacrificial lambs if the group was too small for a whole animal. Very practical advice for a massively spiritual event don't you think?
• God tells them to eat quick - keep your clothes on and your walking stick in your hand (Exodus 12:11). Officially the first historical record of drive/walk-through fast food.
• This is the first time I've noticed a detailed set of rituals which I recognise as an observed festival or custom. Perhaps part of the process of nation-building that sets up the events at Mount Sinai a bit later on. (Interestingly the Jewish people see themselves as the only nation not defined by geography but by God proclaiming as such. But that's jumping ahead.) As Christians we are quick to dismiss these laws as rituals, but perhaps we should give them more attention: If not in observance then in looking for the reasons they exist. Some Jewish people think that Christians consider the 10 commandments the "10 suggestions", and are quick to point out that there are actually 613 commandments. Do we take them seriously enough? Oops, jumping ahead again.

So there you have it. After 430 years in Egypt, the Israelites are on the move. Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" is playing in my head............

A Pox on Your Head! Oh and your river....your house...Genesis 7 -11.

On some days I feel like a special bird that my friend Winston told me about: It flies around in ever-decreasing circles until it flies up it's own butt. Reading about the (famous) biblical plagues in Egypt has created this unpleasant vision-darkening experience for me.

I subscribe to the view that the bible is not intended to be historically accurate: Although it may be it's not a prerequisite for it's authenticity or relevance to me. So let's forget about the science or plausibility of the plagues and what might have happened when, I'm confused by dynamics of God's approach to nailing Pharaoh whilst working towards getting the Israelites out. He says it plainly to Moses at the beginning of chapter 7: I'm going to make Pharaoh's life hell but I'll also make him stubborn so that we can make it clear who's boss. Is that fair? I don't mean to be irreligious, but since my plan for this blog was to record my honest thoughts I really do think that's a bit rough on the fella. Or am I being overly simplistic? Maybe Pharaoh was the over-confident ruler who simply wouldn't accept he was wrong and needed the beating he got (and this was recorded as God making him stubborn).


I'll have to dig a bit deeper on this one - since this story was written after the fact, I guess it could be like the sports report on Monday morning where everything happened for a reason and there is always someone to blame. Excuse me whilst I engage with the idol of Internet information to find out more, let's see...www.google.com.....did Pharaoh have a right to be miffed....*search*......39341153 results......(you still here? This is going to take a while!)

Pharaoh Pious the III (not really)